Eslam Shaarawy

Dearest Nadeen,
First of all, thank you for giving me that feeling of peace and easiness to pour my heart out for you whenever I feel like I need it.
I’ve been feeling something hard lately and I kept thinking of who I shall talk this over with but didn’t know if anyone will ever understand. EVER.
I thought of some close friends, but thought that maybe they’ll not understand or they’ll misjudge it.
I sent to my best friend. At first, as I assumed, she misjudged. She told me “متضيعيش مشاعرك و ترهقيها كدة”. Then I was cross because she didin’t get my point. Then she apologized and listened from me some of what I really feel. After that, you came to my mind. I thought I’ll send you. But the idea escaped my mind. Then today when you commented on my post, I thought yes it’s a good idea to write to you. I hope it’s not too long for you that you’re bored.
You don’t need to respond, though. It’s really okay. I just feel the need to talk to someone who could understand.
It’s also not a very big issue or a problem thank God.
It’s just a hard feeling that I feel like sharing. (so don’t worry :)) )
Well, sometimes the notion of death makes me stop at it and think a lot. When I hear about the death of someone, this somehow affects me. And sometimes not, tbh.
However, that incident that I heard about a few days ago, I could never ever get it out of my mind for 3 days in a row now.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about him. He’s Eslam Shaarawy, that 34 year old guy who published a last video expressing his repentance to God one week before he had a car accident due which he died immediately. His video has been shared a lot across Egypt and maybe Arabs too. At first I came across the video and ignored it. Second or maybe third time, I decided to watch it. I was affected by it. I shared it. The next day, I felt something strange. I rewatched the video again. And again. AND AGAIN.
And then started everything. I googled him and figured out he had a Youtube channel. I opened his channel, and I watched every video in it (quite a few, they were).
And then I started everything.
I started weeping.
I’m really sad.
You have no idea such an incident affected me.
Not masha3er-wise and this stupid talk.
It’s way way grander.
I found something in his character that hugely inspired me.
INSPIRED ME INSANELY. In many levels.
Personality-wise so that now I want to change aspect in my personality because extensively inspired by his radiant character.
Mentality-wise.
His deeds.
His attitude.
His age and the influence.
They massively inspired me and changed the way I think regarding many things.
I would never tell this to anyone.
I’m not over dramatic as people might think if I told them.
I’m really really sad.
Ya3ny dah law kan 3ayesh.
kont hab2a ba check his channel every now and then like I did with others.
and clicked “see first” with them because they inspired me.
This boy, at that time of my life, he came to me as a divine help.
He cleared some confusion in my mind and my thoughts.
My vision is clearer now in things that you might not understand wallahy bs I feel it awe because it specifically touched me. And that’s why I told you I think that boy and I are similar.
We’re similar in those ways I don’t even know how to explain.
He loves people, just like I am.
He is gada3, just how I like to be with people.
His chivalry and generosity of character and softness of heart and enthusiasm at helping others and his passion in loving Egypt and its people give me unimaginable goosebumps.
If he were alive, I swear I would have wished to continue my life with him even though the difference in maybe the social and intellectual levels.
I think if I had ever met him, maybe I would have had those thoughts of consideration of what if we become somehow entangled?
I’ve been thinking lately and really confused about the “my type” of men. For sure I know that I love the humorous type. I love the masculine. I love the kindhearted.
Now, thanks Eslam, I know better about my type. Just like Eslam, enthusiastic and energetic and passionate towards everything including helping people and flourishing Egypt and doing good deeds and most of all, LOVING ALLAH FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE OF ALLAH NOT ONLY FEAR NOT ONLY WANTING SOMETHING NOT ONLY DUTY. PURE LOVE TO ALLAH, whilst knowing very well how to love life. Love life with all its beauty without suffocating restrictions that others might see better. I dare say I loved his vision of religion. I loved it and it affected my thoughts too. Now, because of Eslam, I desperately want to approach to Allah. I desperately ache for savouring that feeling of loving Allah and having a beautiful relationship with him. Because of Eslam, I feel that very urge that I want to swear many times and say: “أقسم بالله ما هاعمل حاجة حرام تاني”.
Eslam, you deeply influenced me. My thoughts, my vision, and I dare say my heart.
Ya ALLAH.
That’s why no one will ever ever understand my grief.
My sorrow.
I wish I’d met him.
But also don’t wish it because maybe I’d have been torn to pieces.
I don’t think I’ll easily get over about this whole thing.
I usually get very touched when I hear about someone’s death even if I don’t know.
And I keep remembering them for many days and praying for them even though I knew them only from a random post on Facebook maybe.
But this guy specifically I’m really unable to get him out of my mind.
May Allah show mercy upon him.
He so reminded me of Omnia my cousin (she was also 35 when she died).
I grieve for her.
I ache for her absence.
He and Omnia had a lot in common.
Very similar attitude when dealing with people.
That’s why everyone loves Omnia.
To the extent that the company she worked in named a separate conference hall after her.
قاعة أمنية كرام.
And literally everyone remembered her for something she did to them out of gad3ana (chivalry, generosity, the willing to help everyone).
Gad3ana, aka Omnia, aka Eslam Shaarawy.
This touches me a lot.
Look at this video and see how this guys how didn’t know Eslam before his death talks about him:
<< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsWcfOdH9Oc&fbclid=IwAR3nXvCqn-MEx6KwhygbeLPf7Tx-5ChLZm1R8HVd2YUyz__NTgo42H8Arwg >>I swear to ALLAH, this is the same how I feel.

I’m tearing up.
Eslam’s word go straight into my heart.
The boy in the video, and finally finally someone can feel me. Someone knows and has tried my feeling.
Wallahy wallahy I’m very very sad.
Sad for his departure. As for him, I pray that now he’s happy and meeting his beloved Allah. And enjoying His presence and His heaven in sha’ ALLAH.
But what about us? Us who he has left? I’ll miss you Eslam. I already miss you wallahy.
My heart is burning bgd wallahy.
I hope anyone would feel me.
I prayed a lot for him and I’ll keep praying as long as I’m alive and remembering him.
Sob7an ALLAH.
What was between him and ALLAH?
I wish I would become like this.
I hope I meet someone like him in real life.
I hope I get married to such a character one day in sha Allah and better.
Someone who’d help me in my life. To be my safe zone. Someone who thinks like me and shares my enthusiasm and passion and love towards everything. Someone who’ll push me to work and produce and help and go everywhere. Someone who’ll love me, for whom I’ll be the feminine female and he would be my masculine kind and tender male.
But maybe it’s a lesson from God to teach me not to attach to people or things and only Allah.
I don’t know it’s healthy or not or whatever I don’t care but I’m really crying now.
It’s like I’ve been accumulating and suppressing this for a long time.. longer for my emotions to process and consider.
I foraged for every trace of him, Youtube, Google, Facebook to find anything more of him.
I found a video of his cousin, a few days after the death. His cousin who was younger talked about a dream he had of Eslam. In that dream, his cousin saw Eslam telling him to keep praying Fagr on time and never miss it. When I searched more in Eslam’s account, I found a post for him talking about a habit of him from 10 years or maybe more, he used to pray Fagr on time in the mosque. Masgid El Sayea Nafesa in particular.
I swear my heart started to move better towards Allah that now I want to pray every Fagr prayer left in my life on time.
God help me.
Eslam taught me that the love of Allah is much much much better than everything else in life, which is what I all want in my life from now on.
I want to taste that love, lock it in my heart, live with it until I die and meet His Almighty.
Thanks Eslam!
Now I promise myself and Allah and will use the same word that you said:
“أقسم بالله ما هاعمل حاجة حرام تاني”
I swear to Allah, I’ll never do any other wrong deeds. AS MUCH AS I CAN. Until God’s love has filled my heart, my soul, my mind and thoughts, and my whole being in sha’ ALLAH. And I will move move move with all my energy to build and produce and help.
***
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A casual conversation with a new dear friend

[22:44, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: You know what?
[22:44, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: I too love nerdiness
[22:44, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Today I had to deal with a doctor
[22:45, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: He was explaining a case and telling my family what’s wrong and so on
[22:45, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: And I was concentrating with him 3aady
[22:45, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: But I found that later on during his talking
[22:47, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: As if he figured out my existence and the fact that I’m paying him all of my attention (3aady because he’s saying something important), he started to give me a fair share of eye contact.
[22:47, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: And I was FREAAAAKING satisfied at that.
[22:47, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: I felt appreciated.
[22:47, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Because usually I’m not given that attention
[22:48, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: I’m usually treated as the 3ayyela soghayyara malhash lazma
[22:48, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Unintentionally from the addresser
[22:48, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: But I usually get those vibes
[22:49, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Today, I experienced brand new vibes(when I’m with family)
[22:49, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: And I loved that a lot
[22:51, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: And this gave me some sense of: maybe he thinks I’m a person to be appreciated and worthy of sharing eye contact with, orrrrrr maybe he had that subtle vague distant crush on me
[22:51, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Which in turn
[22:51, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Made me feel like I’m not less generous not to reciprocate
[22:52, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: So I subtly vaguely distantly reciprocated 😁😁
[22:52, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: He was tall and very masculine
[22:52, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Very deep voice
[22:52, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Very dedicated to his work and seems he knows what he’s doing
[22:53, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: He also seemed a little humorous too
[22:53, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: He’s not the looks I’d go for tbh
[22:53, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: I don’t like hairy guya
[22:54, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Sometimes hairiness turn me off
[23:00, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: I also noticed he had no ring in his left hand
[23:00, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: Look, he’s not my point tbh
[23:01, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: my point is,
[23:01, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: life has many candies :DDD
[23:01, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: We should carefully choose the candy that we’ll have for the rest of our lives
[23:02, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: and make sure it’s not rotten that once the sugar coat is done, the ruined part appears and makes us sick
[23:02, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: nor is it too sweet that it will turn us off (negza3) after a little while
[23:04, 12/02/2020] Yomna Seddik: It should be like strawberry, you can eat it as a sweet fruit, and yet still it has its fair share of sourness that wouldn’t turn you off of it after a while

Realization

The moment you know your worth, without the urge of seeking approval from the anonymous social consensus, is probably the moment you take the first step towards your genuine self-actualization!
Good  morning

A Message to Dr. Heba El-Abbadi

Good morning dear doctor Heba. :)) ❤
Let me ask this simple straightforward question:
Do you think I should drop out this year and apply again next year?

I know messenger is not the best means of communication and that I needed to meet you many many time across the semester to seek your constant consult, were it only not because of my work schedule. But let me clarify a few points. I believe I haven’t started this semester the right way. A lot of perplexities has happened to me be it not taking bibliography (I know I should have consulted you, but I didn’t have the opportunity) and also changing courses amid semester therefore increasing the load. Another thing is that I haven’t prepared myself enough for the MA. I have to admit I never thought it would be that heavy even with only two courses. Now as I am unfolding different aspects of my personality (I would like to call it my character is being developed), I have figured out other aspects that are as well not helping me make it this year. I believe I need to prepare myself by reading a lot and exposing myself more to literature and other fields before being ready to contribute to the production of knowledge myself. Another thing is, that I have recently researched the matter and now I strongly suspect that I have ADHD_Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder_.

I’ll very soon in sha’ ALLAH meet a psychiatrist to officially confirm it to me.

And this, as the acronym implies, means that I have very poor concentration abilities, am VERY VERY VERY easily distracted while trying to focus on anything, face extreme difficulty breaking tasks down and organizing myself and my time. (I have finally found a medical condition that explains why I always come late yaaaaay 😊, for one symptom of people with ADHD is that they are ALWAYS late, which is aka Yomna)

Therefore, I exert more than 100% effort in insignificant stuff that I believe are significant (which is a typical ADHD thing), thus I am always always mentally tired. I hope this makes sense.

I told you before I am a slow reader. And yes there are many slow readers who aren’t necessarily with ADHD. But being a slow reader because of having ADHD is a totally different thing. I also strongly suspect that I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). And not in the romantic stereotypical sense that I am a perfectionist and I like everything to be well done. No! When I mean OCD, it’s OCD. Repetitive compulsive actions. Like reading a page and yet still feeling like I haven’t read it enough so I reread it (OCD). And reading a page and grasping it and flip the page and absolutely forget what I have read the previous one (ADHD). Doctor, I swear, I can talk about all the symptoms that I have concerning these two disorders that I can write endlessly. I could tell you stuff, upon which, you might feel I’m mentally ill or something. I’ve always thought I was abnormal and I never told anyone about what I’ve been suffering my whole life. It wasn’t until a couple of years when I knew there was something called OCD that could finallyyyyyyyy explain why I’ve been doing what I’m doing. And just a few days when I stopped and researched ADHD and was literally crying hard that I finally THANK GOD have found something that expresses my dilemma SO CLEARLY!!! I hope I hooooooope I am making sense.

Yes I know you might think that how can I be sure when I haven’t yet been officially diagnosed by these disorders by professionals. I’ve heard this twice recently. However, I am strongly positive I have them because I’ve made much research about this and LITERALLY every every every symptom applies to me!

Anyway, let me return back to why such a thing could be hindering me from pursuing my MA studies. Due to lack of my organization and lack of concentration, I always tend to accumulate stuff for/to/on me (not quit sure of the correct preposition :DD), I just can’t seem right now to sit and focus on my soon-to-be-delivered-tasks and actually accomplish them. That’s all in addition to a whole lot of self-doubt and other unhealthy thoughts. I’m afraid of losing, of failing.

Yet still, I really really need to pursue my MA. It’s like I have all the reasons to want to do it. I absolutely have the potential, it’s only like right now I don’t have the right tools to do it. Add to that, the wrong way I started this semester. So my point is, if I give myself some time until next year isA, I would read the 90 classical literature books that I gathered their names in one paper and put up on my wall right in front of my desk. I would try to take a step towards knowing myself better and sorting out this ADHD if I could. I would somehow reduce the stress of not coping, not being able to follow up, the constant feeling of being afraid to fail and so on.

And yet doctor, I swear I wanted to let the notion of me dropping out to be the last thing I would think of.
I really need it. I want it.
It’s just that I’m really confused whether I can do it this year or just to give myself another chance for a year to chill out and breath and think things over more carefully and better organize and sort out my life.
I’m just too tired of feeling behind.
Of feeling that I can’t cope. Of feeling that I’m ALWAYS in trouble with stuff that has to do with education.
“يمنى انتي مخك نضيف بس انتي لعبية”
“يمنى انتي شاطرة جدا بس كسولة”
I’ve lived my whole life feeling like I’m behind, I’m not coping well. “I can not make it,” which is thankfully confirmed by one of my was-once-extremely-inspiring professors. You have no idea doctor how this shook me, disappointed me, devastated me either. Anyway, not my subject.
Wallahy one real solid reason why I don’t want to drop out is that I might lose the chance the you would be my academic adviser again. I’ve been thinking about it since day 1 I started to think of dropping out.

Wait or forget?

A random question asked by a random stranger on a FB group with no clue about the context.
My answer:
“Either you sort it out or you take the decision to get over (i.e. recuperate) but not to “FORGET”, because forgetting is such a BIG FALLACY!
You’ll forget now and after 10 years a little stupid tiny trigger will bring you 10 years back to the SAAAAME position. The idea of forgetting is a trap my dear, don’t get captivated in it. Sort it out or recuperate.”

Suffering with masters be like..

TOO STRESSED. Afraid of eventually losing what I’ve been trying to achieve. FIERCELY STRUGGLING WITH ADHD, yet expected to sit down and FOCUS (the very word I can’t handle and yet the VERY word I am MOST demanded to do) because my future depends on that. Filled with self-doubt. Restlessly overthinking. Not having enough sleep. Not even doing 30% of what I SHOULD do. I’m just too afraid of losing, of failing. I’m trying to undergo a journey of self-actualization but I seem not to have the adequate tools to do that (but I really have the intention and ambition, but not the ability).

Chatting with He55a

Yomna


Black suit’s engaged

You know
Much as it does not mean anything to me
I still find it quite disappointing
And much as it SHOULD NOT mean anything to me, I’ll find it more and more and more disappointing if Babyface is engaged. Thankfully he’s not so far.
I have to recuperate first.
Don’t you think I should marry someone who has to do with Egyptian military?
Because I utterly find them extremely attractive
Ohh
Whenever I see some Military student in the street or anywhere ( not a soldier who’s doing a year of service and bye bye..no.. a student who’s doing all his life military) I go OOOO-Oooooh
Rabena ysame7ny
But I’m thoroughly attracted to them
And I HAAAAATE how this might be regarded as kalbooba
The cliche type of a naiive girls who’d go after any man with a uniform
I’m just quite disappointed right now
Or not feeling good
Not because of Blacksuit
Or to be precise: not JUST because of Mr. Blacksuit
But because of the notion that I’ll not be entangled to the military area by any means specially after Ma7mood’s service is over.
I feel better now that I made it and wrote this sort of pain away
Only that it’s not fully AWAY
I don’t think it’ll ever be away any time soon
Yarabbi! Please I beg you to mend my poor sentimental heart.
You know?
I’ve now made sure that NOSTALGIA is an indispensable part of my personality
It’s made its grip tighter and tighter by time
And much as it is really painful and never promising and not very healthy, it is looooads ECSTATIC! ❤️
Loads of butterflies and accelerated heartbeat and a totally uncontrolled smile on the face that is drawn without even noticing or pre-deciding to.
Which makes all the sense to me and overrules any logic or any practicality.
***
Heba


It took me a minute to recall. I thought it was a movie name 😂

You are cute ❤️
And I pray you get all what you dream of
❤️❤️❤️
You are a gem yoyo
and you should be aware of that
A military-whatever human or not
I am sure you will be madly in love with him

PLACES I WILL GO ALONE ISA

  1. Ahramat
  2. Zamalek
  3. Mohandeseen
  4. 7osain ✓
  5. October ✓
  6. EL Mataar
  7. El mo2attam
  8. Koll el amaken el athareyya felqahera
  9. Any place I’d buy wallpaper from and I’ll cover my whole room with it isA
  10. Bab Elshe3reyya
  11. El 3abbaseyya ✓
  12. Koll 5toot el metro w koll el ma7attat.. ya3ny anzel kol ma7atta w a5rog astakshef el mante2a dy
  13. wekalet el bala7
  14. el azhar
  15. el tagammo3 ✓
  16. el re7ab
  17. TBC…