You never have a type in shoes. You wear the utmost ordinary ones, never give a mind for that. And you never leave your district. HOWEVER. You taken for a mission in a far district. You, out of mere coincidence, find a shoe market. You take a glance at a stunning pair of shoes. You can’t afford them at the moment, or perhaps ever. You are hasty anyway. You know that not time nor opportunity can get you back to the same district again (even if you decide to afford). You leave the district. You never tell anyone. You keep recalling the image of that very pair in your head. It stays at the back of your eyes. Anyway, you LEAVE the district.
First, you can never get it out of your mind. You can never stop loathing yourself for not having the ability/ opportunity to have them. You wish you can even have another chance, another look at least. Then it keeps hunting your thoughts every now and then, the thought of it. You forget about it at times. Other times, you’re triggered when you hear someone speaking about shoes in general, or occasionally speaking about that color (which no one knows it’s the color of your beloved shoes. No one know you’re triggered: by a color, by a name of a district, by the mere mentioning of shoes. So the memory refreshens and moves from the back of your eyes and resides in your frontal cortex. You know you’ve been frantically fantasizing and platonizing the memory when you figure out they’ve been years since you first encountered the mere sight of those shoes.
Later, you happen to go for other walks in many other districts. You see even more stunning shoes. You like them. You start to develop a taste for shoes. However, you never stop by them because you know there definitely is a high probability you might find many other opportunities elsewhere. You never stop by anything, anywhere, anymore. Some mere temporary admiration builds within you, then fades away, because it’s their predestiny to fade away anyway. Then you become a trader, of shoes. You travel and see the world. You see anything and everything. Only see. You watch. You analyze. You develop thoughts. You mature. You understand what’s good and what’s not. You become a proficient expert at understanding shoes. You still wear your old old ones anyway. And you still can’t get the first glance out of your consideration along the way. You kind of assure yourself that no matter how many opportunities you might come face to face with, or even from a distance, there will always stay the image of the first opportunity you’ve first had an encounter with. It will always preserve its glamour, sacredness, stun, and stay in the memory fresh as it is.
Then you happen to visit the old district. You slowly and deliberately and anticipatedly go to that shoe market once again. And there it comes. After years. The mere sight of the same pair, again. You look! And look!
You keep looking. Then as slowly you begin to contemplate, scrutinize. You dare compare. Among the tastes you have developed, this is not one of them. You coyly confess to yourself that this is not your type. Stunning as this still is, it’s not your type. If you have to choose, then it’s not your type. Are you happier now? More satisfied?
You still aren’t.
You can’t absorb that what you have been fantasizing about and yearning to have one day is, by your own free will, not your desirable option. You can’t stop, nevertheless, fantasizing and being frantic.
Have you forgotten now and started to think freely of all the other options you might encounter?
You’re still thinking. Though you’re quite sure you might never take that pair into serious consideration, you’re still thinking. You can’t get it out of mind. You know perhaps it’s a matter of time.
You wait some more years, contemplating, understanding yourself more, and your desires: what are they, why are they?
Then you finally come to the realization that: perhaps it wasn’t all about the pair of shoes in the first place. It’s all about this:
- Juvenility of experiencing something of such a kind.
- The unresolving of the matter on the spot. For accumulation reinforces, intensifies, emphasizes, magnifies, glorifies, euphorizes.
- Nostalgia of the situation, not the thing. The situation with all its details is what has become a frantic daydream, not only one single detail in it. The day at the district, not supposedly the shoes.
- Then all of the three above can be summed up in the conclusion that: all this might have never happened if the realization came directly and immediately on the spot. Either you choose it’s the good pair for you and you speak that up and seek help, or you decide it’s not, so you disregard the matter as a potential subject of consideration.
In other words: When a normal (or slightly above normal) thing happens, when you don’t resolve it, it accumulates, then this normal thing becomes an enormous subject for nostalgia. If you’re not a big fan of nostalgia, then you should learn to resolve on the spot!
Anyway, after a long look, now you DECIDE not to get them. Based on your understanding of life in a way more general and wider scale, you decide it’s not your type. So you leave.
Are you happy now? Free? Satisfied?
Alas! Still no!
You leave but the accumulation of what you’ve been building within you all those years haven’t decided yet to leave you.
You find yourself caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, between two ends of the spectrum. You want neither of the ends. Neither seem plausible. Yet still you’re captivated in between.
You leave but your thoughts never leave. You’re nostalgic but your current self doesn’t abide, doesn’t succumb. You never know anything. You’re disoriented.
You find somehow considerate opportunities; however, you have an idea in mind about the first glance and you compare. You don’t compare the shoes, you compare the feeling of stun, the glamour you felt, the euphoria of accumulation you had. You need a similar experience, but with the right pair of shoes this time. This perfect combination doesn’t seem to have happened so far. You’re not hasty, anyway. You just need them to be as perfect and neat and sharp and polished as the first glance, but this time with the different pair of shoes.
Then after some more years. You pay another visit. Perhaps to further scrutinize, perhaps to add your final thoughts. Perhaps to have the perfect reasons you’ll convince your thoughts with in order to leave you alone.
This time. This very time, you don’t find the shoes in the market. You only find them sold out, and someone else is paying to have them.
Sensible talk: this is all the more reasons (the perfect reasons) with which you would definitely convince your mind to leave you alone. Now it’s plausible to let go.
Anyway, are you satisfied now?
Ready to look forward to new opportunities?
Will the ghost of the whole experience leave you alone?
You know for sure that you never want to go to that market again, anymore.
However, are you free?